When is Premarital Counseling Useless?

When is premarital counseling useless?
When is premarital counseling useless?

When is premarital counseling useless? People unsure if they need premarital counseling fit into different categories. Some people think they know everything, about everything; ladies do not let your husband color your hair! (My way of saying a lot of men fit into this category).

Some women want to agree with their fiance’s reluctance. They trust the judgement of the one they see as family protector. But now is the time to speak up.

Couples may imagine premarital counseling expresses doubts about their relationship, or each other. It doesn’t!

Some think premarital counseling useless because their parents appear happily married. Therefore, they will also “know” how to be married.  To you, I say you don’t know the “how” they got happy. You do not have insight to their thinking. Or, as is often the case, you do not really know if they are as happy as they could be; all you can see, is what you see.

Some couples think premarital counseling is useless “for them”. They think they have enough good qualities of communication skills, and openness to make their marriage work well. They have good skills in the world. So their logic tells them those will translate to their marriage. This is one of the greatest fallacies. Marriage is unlike any other venue in life, you need to develop completely different approaches for marriage.

Another “biggest error” is thinking love, respect and other “connecting bridges” will continue to evolve on their own. They think their marriage will become ever-better, never stale. The problem is that emotional love does not sustain itself. You need to learn how to expand marital, unconditional, love.

Most couples think it will be different for them. They think they are among the “few”. Unfortunately they are like lemmings heading for the sea. Each one lined up on the long march towards unhappiness, thinking they are fine. Too many couples are unknowingly lined up for a divorce.

The divorce rate is so high that people have bought into the idea that only a few will survive, anyway. They do not realize marriage is “simple” and all can have a great marriage. This erroneous thinking is understandable, because our society does not prepare us for marriage. However, the truth is good news. Nearly anyone can have a great marriage. All that is required is marriage specific knowledge, and some training; or counseling.

When is Premarital Counseling Useless

There are many forms of premarital counseling that are indeed useless when taken alone. The key is education, not counseling!

Premarital counseling is offered by many religions, or psychologists. By themselves, they do not hit all three critical aspects of marriage. So, although the teachings may be valid, it does not work. Newlywed couples needs all three of the following.

  1. The vision of marriage. This means you both know what the highest, and sub-benefits of marriage are. You cannot achieve what you do not seek. You wont be burdened by “details” when your vision is clear.
  2. Understanding. Individuals need to have a clear understanding of how they and their spouse, function. You also have to know all the cause-and-effect equations, so you do not get shocked. Everything is “normal” when you are knowledgeable. Pilots don’t freak out when they hit a bit of turbulence, and knowledgeable couples don’t freak out over normal “stuff”.
  3. Self, or mind, control. Knowing what you should do is not enough. You need to know how to make your mind your servant. Otherwise you will be beaten up by all kinds of habits and reactions. This is an absolute necessity, unfortunately barly recognized by anyone until I discovered it.

Premarital education/counseling is intended for those who are already have problems, or are doing fine. It is for those who want to be prepared to succeed in ways that are yet unimaginable.

When your marriage is sustained with knowledge it will be the happiest place on Earth!

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