I wasn’t thinking about newlyweds when I came up with this. At the time I was helping couples with their troubled marriages. But realizing the usefulness of tidbits that are both memorable and practical, I made it a point to create little sayings and such that anybody could draw from at the right times. It is very helpful to do that. My very best offering, in fact, is a technique called SEW that is a “gotta have” for anyone married. But you will get to that in our program.
These 3 secrets are seriously useful, too. They should be known by all married couples, especially newlyweds. Remembering them at the right time will save you from a lot of grief, and, more importantly, will serve to improve you, as an individual. Its hard to beat that combination!
I think of marriage as the most incredible thing imaginable. In fact, nearly everything we teach is positively oriented to bring great happiness. Naturally we show you how to avoid mistakes too. But that’s not the focus. It is like if I were to show you the way up to the top of a mountain. Of course I would warn you about avoiding slippery slopes. But because I focus on the positive, I mostly would show you the views that make the hike so worthwhile etc. That’s how we do it in our premarital program, and how we do it for those in troubled marriages, too.
The 3 secrets all newlyweds should know are perfect for keeping your marital love in the forefront by avoiding disturbances and bad feelings. Because the love is there, and you don’t not want to muddy the waters. So they are incredibly practical. But are not “automatic” like a pill. You will need to do your part. They are
- Compassionate understanding, and
These three are what you utilize whenever your soulmate does something that annoys you. Here is how it works.
Self-scrutiny. At the first sense that you are being annoyed, and it does not have to be your spouse that is the person annoying you, because this works in all of your life, you take a moment to sort of back up. Just stop your momentum of thoughts and feelings and breathe a deep breath. That will prepare you for the self-scrutiny.
Next, what you do is ask yourself why you are disturbed, annoyed, or whatever. That’s the scrutiny. Instead of blaming your husband or wife for what they did, which is the easier, but tragic, way to go, ask yourself why, exactly, you are so impacted. Are you being touchy? Are you reacting because of some past stuff that has nothing to do with your spouse? Did you just have an event that put you in a sensitive state of mind?
Turn your annoyance or anger into an opportunity. You know, you do not have to be a “victim” of circumstances. You could let things go. Let other people’s behavior be their problem. It is all about how you allow your mind to react that makes you disturbed.
You certainly do not want to say or do anything, no matter how “right” it seems at the moment, to toxify your relationship (poison it). Use the self scrutiny to prevent your “stuff” from being the main topic of your moment. Because the main topic of every moment should be love; not “stuff”.
Compassionate understanding is next. This is especially useful if you didn’t “start it”. Rather than react to what seems to be thrown at you, don’t allow your mind to get defensive and mad. Force your mind, because force is what it takes, to be compassionate and understanding. Turn the tables. Instead of seeing yourself as the target, see yourself as an amazing friend who wants to know why your poor soulmate is upset. Even when they are just plain mean and ornery, don’t get sucked into a fight. Stay above the anger and insults. Be compassionate and understanding.
This is not easy! This is really hard! But, if you do this you will see how quickly the negativity dissipates and your life can go back to normal. The truth is most couples do not realize they are supposed to be joyous all the time, so they settle into all kinds of petty conflicts and tensions.
This is meant to help your marriage stay on a high. Your marriage should stay on a high for the rest of your lives! That is what we teach, and that is how we live in our own marriages. People who say that it is impossible simply do not know. They have been using old school ideas in their marriage and are missing out. You can do better than them.
Patience is so important. None of us are perfect. If we were we would not be here in the world. The world is a tough place, a school of hard knocks. Everywhere you turn, every move you make, is filled with opportunities that are laced with difficulties. It’s not like in the moves!
What makes life in the world more difficult is if you don’t have a safe zone, a place where you can take off your body armor and relax. Well, that is one of the benefits of marriage. It is a safety zone in the world. You are with someone who has your back, or tries to. And you have their back to the best of your ability as well. But what happens if you “lose it”? How is your soulmate going to feel about coming home to you if home is no different than anywhere else in the world? This is where patience comes in.
Being patient is not what comes natural to most people, so you have to develop it, and so does your husband or wife. Well, guess what, it takes patience to develop patience! it also takes a determination, but that is a different topic. The point is you need to develop your patience, and you will always need to work on it for the rest of your life. The fact is being impatient is part of what comes with our internal drive-to-survive, so it is always there to one extent or another.
Some people are better at being patient with their spouse than with themselves. But both are important. We don’t want you getting ulcers, and we don’t want you giving them to your spouse, either. So, you have to remember that you try your best to be a better husband, or wife, all the time. But be reasonable in your expectations. As you make the effort your abilities improve. if you don’t make any effort, however, you will get worse. That is just the way it is.
Now you know 3 secrets to being happy newlyweds
The “trick” to having a successful marriage is that there are no tricks. Marriage is a something that has many moving parts. It also has purposes, benefits and pitfalls. So the trick to having a successful marriage is to know what you are getting into, in a way that gives you control over your marriage. When you know what marriage is, and how to live in marriage, you will not have any problems. In fact, because marriage is designed for happiness, you will have that; happiness.