We all heard the horror stories about how people change after they get married. But how many hear the other side of the coin? How some people refuse to change after they get married? And they bring all their old crumby habits into the marriage?
The really important thing after you get married is to change the habits that get in the way of a fulfilling marriage. Both of you need adopt new habits; habits that make your new marriage an ever-improving enterprise of love and connection.
You might say you are your habits. If your habits are reactive and defensive people will say you are overly sensitive. If your first reactions to something are you think about what just happened, you will be categorized as calm, and thoughtful. Now, obviously you are not your habits, you are a soul. But this is how people see you, and it is how your spouse will relate to you.
People Are Supposed to Change After They Get Married
Its a funny thing when people insist they are fine the way they are. That is like saying “I am perfect”. Because if you think you are fine the way you are you are stating there is no need for improvement. That is a very defensive position. At what point in your life did you stop maturing? Did you one day wake up and say “wow, I’m pretty cool. I think this is who I will be for the rest of my life.”
Here is the skinny. There are at least these 3 changes that have to take place
- You have to change from being self-oriented to living “for” your spouse. This is the most important change you have to make, because without it there is no hope for a lifetime of marital happiness. The good news is because you are just starting out this change will not be difficult, but it usually takes about three years to fully become a truly loving spouse.
- You have to change your bad habits into good habits. Your marriage is a “sacred space”. But if you fill it with anger, selfishness, and other toxins it will not remain so. In our premarital program we teach a technique (the SEW technique) that will make habit-changing doable. It’s gotta happen!
- Adopting marriage friendly attitudes is imperative. Your not in Kansas anymore! “Being” married is all about being a different person than you were when you were single, or dating, or engaged. Of course you have to adjust. Everything is changing and you have to, also.
Of course people change after they get married. Otherwise they don’t stay married. And the positive changes you make will mean only good things for you and your new life. Will it be easy? if you have the right attitude and the right understanding of marriage, and all marriage has to offer, you will be more than fine.